Delicious, nutritious, and ruinous for first-time home buyers. (Shari’s Berries/Flickr photo, www.berries.com)

The Drive Home: Bear-proofing kids and other timely tips for the ill-informed

“Although high in protein, it is generally frowned upon to refer to one’s kids as ‘bear food.’”

By Chris Williams

As most of you know by now, my primary objective in writing this column is to provide you, the reader, with the knowledge and experience required to happily go about your lives making the impossible possible, the inedible edible, and the unlovable someone else’s problem.

As you can imagine, I was pleasantly surprised to receive the following letters from faithful followers of The Drive Home looking for some advice:

Dear Mr. Williams,

The other day, I was driving my kids to school when a bear suddenly appeared on the highway. It looked hungry. I had some food in the car but I was unsure whether or not I should feed the bear. Can you help?

Sincerely,

Abner Wallcave

Great question Abner! This is a common problem on Haida Gwaii and it’s time someone offered advice to the ill-informed about what to do in these situations. Although high in protein, it is generally frowned upon to refer to one’s kids as “bear food.” We all understand that commutes can be difficult, and that we use the time to fantasize about alleviating stress by presenting our children as edible gifts to local wildlife. But in fact, in the province of B.C., feeding children to bears is illegal-ish. Instead, keep your children in a bear-proof container at night and try not to feed them tuna before bedtime. Hope this helps!

Dear Mr. Williams,

I own a boat and I love to fish. (I am really enjoying Mr. Oike’s fishing column!) This past weekend, my friends and I headed out to the West Coast to do some salmon fishing. But when we got there, we realized we didn’t have any bait (my wife forgot to put it in the cooler the night before when she was preparing our lunches.) We ended up using the avocado toast my wife had given us. We didn’t catch anything! Do you have any suggestions if this happens again?

Sincerely,

Amanda Merkins

Wonderful question Ms. Merkins! This is a common problem among fisherpeople around here. Because of the travelling distance to the fishing grounds and a lack of services once you get there, having the right supplies is crucial to angling success. I suggest that next time you get married, you find a woman who is focused more on providing an affordable, “traditional” lunch rather than one that will prevent you from ever owning a house. Hope this helps!

Dear Chris,

My family and I like to go to North Beach to dip-net for crabs. We were walking the beach one day when we came across a sick sea lion (we could tell it was sick because of its white skin, foul smell, and the horrible noises it was making). There was no one else on the beach and because of the lack of cell reception in the area, we were unable to contact local wildlife conservation officers. We were also unable to move the creature because of its incredibly massive girth. What should we have done?

Sincerely,

Alex Bixby

Hello Alex, that was me! I was trying to tell you, but the doughnut I was eating prevented me from pronouncing my words properly. Can you please just leave me alone and let me suntan in peace? What you should have done is grabbed the mop next to where I was sitting and helped me apply my SPF 45 medicated sunscreen and not let your dog urinate in my ear.

Hope this helps!

Photo by Shari’s Berries, www.berries.com