By Chris Williams
October is National Sarcasm Month which means you are obligated, as a Canadian citizen, to be extra sarcastic to people. (There may even be federal funding available). No messing around. Here’s your chance to shine!
Sarcasm doesn’t come easily to everyone; some people have to work really, really hard at it. Not me though. For me it’s kind of like a second language. So this week I will be offering all you loyal readers some simple tips and examples on how to be more sarcastic to people and elicit that “you serious brah?” look we all cherish and enjoy.
*Warning: Choose your victims wisely as an ill-placed sarcastic comment can easily end with you in the hospital or looking for a new job.
Tip #1 Low-Level Sarcasm (LLS)
If someone is being very obvious about something then they are leaving themselves wide open for attack. Seize this moment to drop them down a notch with a little LLS. Here’s a sample:
Random Person: “It sure rains a lot here on Haida Gwaii.”
You: “I thought four billion inches of rain a month was normal.”
*Note the feigned data analysis. This will cause most people to believe you are serious. If their gullibility continues, shoot them a condescending glare. You may also choose to up the sarcastic stakes by extending the ruse.
You: “I thought four billion inches of rain a month was normal. In fact I just read recently in The New England Journal of Rain, a peer-reviewed rain publication, that to be considered an extra rainy global location, that location must in fact be located at the bottom of an extremely deep ocean recently formed by constant rain.”
That’ll teach them to be so obvious!
Tip #2 Medium-Level Sarcasm (MLS)
Unlike most cases of LLS, you can initiate this sarcasm on your own. It is mostly used as a catalyst for conversation or for mocking someone/something.
You (leaving a Port council meeting): “Well, that was uneventful.”
Random Person: “Really? But they were literally body slamming each other!”
*At this point, you are welcome to either acknowledge the sarcasm or, depending on your mood and gullibility of your companion, further embellish your faux assessment:
You: “Body slamming is so lame! Unless there’s a weapon or serious bodily harm, then as far as I’m concerned, it’s not a real council meeting.”
*This example could be considered misleading as weapons and serious bodily harm are not totally out of the question when it comes to on-island councils. In fact, just last year, Queen Charlotte council was under military siege for a month and a half over the Business Façade program.
Tip #3 Predictable-Event Sarcasm (PES)
If it is very likely something will happen and does, use PES to your sarcastic advantage.
Let’s say it’s the middle of winter and the whole of Haida Gwaii is out of milk. Everyone is waiting patiently for the ferry to bring more but the ferry gets cancelled.
You: “Oh no! The ferry is cancelled! What a surprise! I totally didn’t see that coming because the ferry is never cancelled. Like absolutely never! Certainly not in the winter when we are all out of milk and dying to get over to the mainland where there are things like hope and reasonable wait times for posted parcels that contain all the gifts I bought for my family and friends from Amazon for only $9.99 but then the shipping was $10,000 and so I have to get a second job which is so hard because there are no jobs here because everyone works multiple jobs and the power went out just when I had a loaf of bread in my electric oven and now the wind is picking up….”
Hope this helps!