A huge pile of dirty dishes takes adult-level problem solving skills. Did you know that new dishes arrive pre-cleaned? (Flickr)

The Drive Home: How to be an adult in a house full of dirty dishes

By Chris Williams

For the past few weeks, I’ve had the house all to myself, as my wife has been off-island visiting friends and family. And for the first time ever she didn’t get me a babysitter! Which is super cool cause it shows that I’ve grown up, a lot!

But being left alone in the house highlights some of our differences in the approach to simple household chores. One big difference is how the dishes get done. When we are both home, we have a meal, collect the dirty dishes, clean them in the sink, and then place them in the rack to dry for later use — boring and waaaay too mature for my taste.

When it’s just me, things go a little differently. I like to put the dishes in the sink, but then I like to soak them for a while to make them easier to clean and because there are things I’d rather be doing than cleaning dishes (like lying on the couch or fantasizing about being a mop).

I like to soak them in hot water for about 24 hours, but when the 24 hours is up, the water is cold and I really don’t like putting my hands in cold, dirty water. So I go into the workshop and design a tool out of an old coat hanger and a tin can to remove the plug from the sink without having to touch the cold, dirty water. Once the plug is out and the sink has drained, the dishes are left with a pretty gross covering of dirty sink water and food bits, which requires me to soak them for another 24 hours. And on and on it goes until about three hours before my wife gets back and I finally work up the courage to do the dishes (which are piled so high by now they are influencing weather patterns over much of Tlell).

The amount of dishes to clean is so great at this point that there is not enough hot water to get them all done. So I start to panic a bit, which causes anxiety, which I deal with by eating which requires clean dishes — which I don’t have. So instead of using dishes I use an old pizza box, which I have to fish out of the recycling. The outside of the pizza box is much cleaner than the inside so I use that surface to hold my spaghetti, eating it with a bit of tinfoil shaped like a spoon because all my cutlery is in the dirty sink water. Once I’ve eaten the spaghetti and burned the pizza box to hide the evidence of my failure as an adult, I start to panic again.

I really want to clean the dirty dishes because I want to prove to my wife that I can be left alone and do not require hourly check-ins from the neighbour. In past lives, I have dealt with this same situation by just throwing out the dishes and moving to another part of the world – running away from my problems into new, more exciting problems. But because I am trying to be an adult now, I decide to face the problem head on.

Drawing on all my adult problem-solving powers, I decide to pour epoxy resin over the pile of dishes. I call it art and start wearing a turtleneck and stop washing my hair, which according to the new federal guidelines for artists, makes me an artist! With the grant money I get for being an artist, I buy new dishes that look exactly like the old ones. When my wife gets home, she immediately knows what I’ve done (the turtleneck and massive pile of resin-covered dishes are a complete giveaway) and applauds my ingenuity and adult-like resourcefulness! And this, my friends, is how an adult gets the dishes done.

Hope this helps!

Just Posted

Rediscovery co-founder Thom Henley returns to Haida Gwaii with new memoir

Henley to speak in Old Massett Thursday night and in Queen Charlotte on Friday

Overnight fire destroys home in Tlell

Tlell firefighters are having a busy year

Crime Stoppers launches across Haida Gwaii

They aren’t the police, and they don’t want to know who you… Continue reading

Queen Charlotte set for first election contest since 2011

Candidates Alan Moore and Devin Rachar to join a friendly debate Thursday night at Junebug Café

VIDEO: Rare comic showing Superman’s 1st appearance to be auctioned

The 1938 comic features Superman hoisting a car over his head

Start on time: Canucks looking to shake first-period struggles

Canucks centre Bo Horvat said the formula for getting a leg up is there for everyone to see

COMMUTER ALERT: Snowfall warnings in effect across B.C.

Travelling this weekend? Check the forecasts before hitting the road

Drones take off to search for missing North Okanagan women

A volunteer search party was supported by professional drone operators

Tips for keeping your personal data safe, from the experts

It’s important to keep your ‘online footprint’ safe

Lights to turn blue ahead of funeral for fallen Abbotsford police officer

Buildings across B.C. are going blue Saturday night in honour of Const. John Davidson

Ride-share pioneer drives up quietly to B.C. battleground

Lyft approaches B.C. without Uber bombast, eyes small towns

VIDEO: Rare comic showing Superman’s 1st appearance to be auctioned

The 1938 comic features Superman hoisting a car over his head

Pine beetles from Jasper National Park moving into commercial forest

In 2014, beetle activity went from a few spots around Jasper’s townsite to rampant

Most Read