By Chris Williams
In this week’s exclusive interview, I will talk with Rain, asking the tough questions and getting to the bottom of this terrible reign of rain that Rain is raining down upon us.
Me: Welcome Rain. It’s really not nice to have you here.
Rain: I don’t care much for your tone Mr. Williams. Regardless, it’s very nice to be here. Usually I don’t get invited to do interviews.
Me: Well, usually no one wants you around. But lately, you have given us no choice.
Rain: Ha, ha. Yes, well, I guess I have made my presence known this summer.
Me: And why is that?
Rain: I just felt left out. Every summer it’s Sun this and Sun that. Even Fog and Mist get more respect than I do. I guess I felt a bit left out and I wanted to join in on the fun.
Me: I see. But you’re not fun. That’s the whole point. That’s why no one ever wants you around. You have a tendency to rain on people’s parades and dampen people’s spirits.
Rain: You realize that “dampen” doesn’t mean what you think it means when you say it that way don’t you?
Me: Ooooohhhh, you’re soooo smart! “Look at me with my strong command of the English language! Ohhhh! Ahhhh! I’m so smart and snarky and wet!”
Rain: Wow! You’re a bit of a moron aren’t you? Maybe you should chill out a bit.
Me: Maybe if you weren’t such know-it-all people would be more into having you around.
Rain: I guess. But I can’t change who I am. I’m wet and cold and always will be. Remember kids, no matter what people tell you, you can’t change who or what you are.
Me: That’s a terrible thing to say to children, Rain.
Rain: It’s true though. I’ve always been a moist muffin. I’m often getting into hot water over what I soak and drench. But I really believe that when life gives you lemons, that’s it. You’re stuck with lemons and you need water to make the lemons into lemonade, which you sell for a profit. That’s where I come in. I am the water.
Me: So let me get this straight — life is sour and rain makes that sour taste palatable enough to choke down life without gagging and make a profit?
Rain: Ummm, no. What I’m saying is that without lemons, water would just be water. Lemons make the water yellow and drinkable. Therefore, when it rains, make sure your have some lemons around. And only drink yellow water.
Me: That makes no sense.
Rain: You make no sense.
Me: Repeating what I say back to me is a bit childish Rain.
Rain: You’re a bit childish you little…
Me: Okay, stop! Before this descends into an immature tit for tat argument over who said what and why, let’s move onto something a little more constructive. Are you planning on sticking around? Will you be around for the music festival this year?
Rain: I don’t stick anywhere. I’m too wet. So no, I won’t be sticking around. I’d love to stay but I should get back home to Prince Rupert.
Me: Is that where you call home?
Rain: Absolutely. I feel very comfortable there. Like I’m with my own kind.
Me: I would say that I’ll be sad to see you go but I’d be lying.
Rain: Well aren’t you rude.
Me: Of course I am. I’m from Tlell.
Rain: What does that mean?
Me: Go ask Port. They’ll tell you.