By Chris Williams
It’s that time of year again! Time to say goodbye summer, hello responsibility, bills, and anxiety. In other words, it’s time to be an adult again! For a lot of people, that means getting a job long enough to qualify for EI benefits, after which they can go back to trying to recapture their youth through the time-tested tradition of sleeping in and never getting out of their underwear.
As most of you know, it can be tough to get a job here on Haida Gwaii. First of all, you have to want a job and then you have to go through the necessary agony of the job interview. Thankfully for us here on Haida Gwaii most interviews go like this:
Interviewer: “Are you alive?”
Applicant: “Not really.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired!”
But sometimes, the interviewer actually has in-depth, difficult-to-answer questions. That’s where I come in. In most people’s minds, I am just an overweight, balding know-it-all with no redeeming qualities and an overzealous interest in oregano. Although that is a mostly accurate description, I’m also a highly skilled job interview coach. Seriously, that’s what I am. So I present to you:
Chris Williams’ guide to getting that dream job through “on point” interview techniques!
Here are some potential questions and the appropriate answers. (Q = Question, IA = Incorrect Answer, CA = Correct Answer)
Q: Why do you want to work for this company?
IA: As a hardworking, goal-oriented potential employee. Your company’s direction is aligned with my own personal vision for success.
If you answer the question this way, chances are the interviewer will be asleep or bored-drunk before you’re finished.
CA: I look really sexy in the uniform.
This answer tells your potential boss two things — you’re sexy and you pay attention to detail, two very important qualities in an employee.
Q: How do you handle conflict in the workplace?
IA: By assessing the situation and formulating an appropriate conflict-resolution strategy as developed by the human resources department.
Although this seems correct, in fact it tells your potential employer you can’t handle your own business and have to depend on other people to solve your problems.
CA: By starting a bunch of disgusting rumours about my enemy until they are ostracized and driven off island.
Decisive, innovative, and visionary! Employers love these qualities. (It’s also very good practice to refer to one’s colleagues as “enemies.”)
Q: Where do you see yourself in five years?
IA: Hopefully, through hard work, perseverance and a willingness to listen and learn, my value to the company will be enough that I will be considered for a management position.
Any employer who hears this will instantly think, “This little POS is after my job!”
CA: I can’t see myself in five years because that defies the laws of physics. Here’s a thousand bucks, go buy yourself a science textbook you stupid flat-Earther!
This answer is knowledgeable, educated and sassy! These are strong qualities eagerly sought after by all employers.
Q: Would you be willing to occasionally work overtime or weekends?
IA: If needed yes. I understand that the success of a company often depends on the loyalty and dedication of its employees.
All this says is that you are weak, malleable, and probably a butt-kisser. Employers will see this as a liability and probably ask you for a ride somewhere.
CA: No I am not. Those times are reserved for getting wasted with my friends and serving out the rest of my community-service sentence for municipal vandalism.
This lets your potential employer know about some of your very important qualities: you are interested in graphic design, you have a good social life, you can handle your booze, and you are dependable.
Hope this helps! Happy job hunting!