Thanks to faithful reader #18, it has come to my attention that Canadian banks are looking to get control of the word “bank,” to use it for their own purposes, and to prevent other financial institutions from commandeering this ancient verb. This would mean our local credit union would no longer be able to use this word in any way when referencing their day-to-day business transactions, or in any way at all in life (at least that’s how I’ll be interpreting it for the purpose of this column).
This means you would no longer be able to do your ”banking” at the credit union, you would do your “credit unioning.” And you could no longer “bank” on there being money in your account, instead you would “wish” there was money in your account. If you were fishing the Tlell River with an employee from the bank, you would fish from the “slopey mud plateaus” of the river, not the “banks.”
When reader #18 first brought this to my attention, they seemed somewhat disgusted by the notion that an institution could patent a word. That somehow, this was an affront to everyday word users. But, being the eternal optimist I am, I quickly realized the entertainment value this could and would provide us. Because personally, I think word usage has become stale and predictable. This new syntaxical larceny should force us to come up with new and interesting ways of describing and accessing our already non-existent personal cash supply.
And then there is the possibility this will start a trend leading to other word changes. As the business of patenting simple words becomes more common (I am already working on patenting the words “merkin” and “edacious”), we should prepare ourselves by creating new and wonderful ways of expressing ordinary personal functions. We should try to become world leaders in this new linguistical journey.
“Driving” could become “supersonic spin wheeling” and “boating” would most assuredly become “floaty reservoir expeditioning.” “Shopping” naturally evolves into “acquisitive grouped-particle convoking.” See how fun this is! “Hunting” morphs into the natural sounding “seasonally schemed adipose tissue harvestial roistering” while “fishing” (it’s almost as if this column writes itself) eases quite nicely into “stringed-shaft briny tease factory brandishing.”
Someone visiting Hadia Gwaii may wish to spend a nice sunny day supersonically spin-wheeling down to the floaty reservoir to do some stringed-shaft briny tease factory brandishing. Afterwards, they may wish to lade their nutrient-receiving orifice by frequenting one of the many sustenance-hoarding conveyance facilitators in the area. Now you tell me, doesn’t that sound better than going fishing and eating out?
Would it not be better to aquify one’s epidermal topology before work, rather than showering? It would be acutely poignant if instead of complaining about a lack of a local swimming pool, we all instead vocally negasized fictive expostulations about the absence of a hydrological natatorium? I certainly think so!
And it only gets better!
The Village of Queen Charlotte could just as easily go by the moniker Hamlet of Dowager, and doesn’t Taupe Sputum sound a heck of a lot more interesting than Sandspit? It’s not a ferry sailing — it’s a nautical plebian escort transverse!
Anyway, I hope you have fun with this and please send me any suggestions you may have for new words by way of this enlightened multi-lithed pronunciamento!