A Misty Isle of the end of the world

  • May. 18, 2011 9:00 a.m.

by Jane Wilson–I don’t want to alarm you but I’ve heard the world is ending. I can only hope this column gets in the paper in time for you to prepare. Specifically, the Apocalypse is supposed to come on May 21, around noon. It’s a shame too, as it means we will miss Harbour Days in Masset this weekend and because, as you probably already know, I had placed money on a Zombie apocalypse instead. If the End of the World proves to be the actual Apocalypse apocalypse, then that’s $5 I’m never going to see again. Still, I’m going out of town, so I was going to miss Harbour Days anyway, and I can always try to spin the dead erupting from their graves after the Great Earthquake as a win for me in the Apocalypse pool. Too bad for those people who had money on Giant Meteoric Fire Ball of Death, I bet they feel foolish now. Not knowing much about the End of Days, I did some research online (the quantity over quality approach to researching) and I found many interesting websites on the topic. The good news is that the Mayans believed that the world will end December 21, 2012 at 11:11 pm, so you may have more time than you think. If you don’t want to check out the sites yourself I think I can translate the core themes into a few basic points for you. First, the world is going to end in 2011, and everyone who doesn’t agree is going to be really sorry that they wouldn’t listen, particularly his neighbours who call him “The Crazy Guy With the Pamphlets” and will not be coming up in the Rapture if he has anything to say about it. Secondly, if the Apocalypse doesn’t happen May 21, around noon, then it’s a miscalculation of the math involved and in no way proves the theory was wrong. There are also some Biblical quotes and some bits and pieces about Nostradamus and the Mayans, and then it starts getting a little crazy, but those are the main points. Maybe you think I shouldn’t make fun of other people’s beliefs, but you’re probably one of the same people who think I shouldn’t make fun of people’s grammar either (which is so easy on those websites, it almost takes the fun out of it). The fact is that they’re just a little too happy about the end of the world for my taste. I’m going to have to paraphrase Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman here (as one can’t discuss the end of the world without bringing up their classic novel Good Omens) and point out that being lifted up in the air to sneer down on the dying and suffering may not be exactly my idea of a morally acceptable good time. Thank you, if it happens I’ll stay on the ground and see if I can help, but I’m sure your plan is also fine. I’ve heard that some people are planning on holding off on things like mowing the lawn until the 22nd, just in case, but I have a more proactive plan. I plan to spend my time poking people and running away, something I often long to do but almost always manage to restrain myself from doing. Plus, I’m giving up vegetables for the duration. I said it was a proactive plan, not a good plan; mostly I don’t want to do anything irreparable should this not actually turn out to be the end. I can make up for the vegetables with lots of healthy eating in the future and I’m pretty sure most people will forgive the poking if I apologize very sweetly, and perhaps buy them a nice bottle of wine. In fact, many of my friends wouldn’t mind me poking them, for just that reason. Given that the evidence supporting the May 21 Apocalypse comes down to being slim to none, or even slim to crazy, I don’t think you really have to worry about it, so it’s probably safe to keep collecting your Co-op knife stickers. However, if you are about to throw them in the garbage because you don’t have enough time to save up for the cutting board before the end comes, feel free to email me at HYPERLINK “mailto:jane.wilson@hgqci” jane.wilson@hgqci and I’ll take them off your hands. You can also email me if you have a sneaking suspicion that I don’t understand what being proactive means. by Jane Wislon–I don’t want to alarm you but I’ve heard the world is ending. I can only hope this column gets in the paper in time for you to prepare. Specifically, the Apocalypse is supposed to come on May 21, around noon. It’s a shame too, as it means we will miss Harbour Days in Masset this weekend and because, as you probably already know, I had placed money on a Zombie apocalypse instead. If the End of the World proves to be the actual Apocalypse apocalypse, then that’s $5 I’m never going to see again. Still, I’m going out of town, so I was going to miss Harbour Days anyway, and I can always try to spin the dead erupting from their graves after the Great Earthquake as a win for me in the Apocalypse pool. Too bad for those people who had money on Giant Meteoric Fire Ball of Death, I bet they feel foolish now. Not knowing much about the End of Days, I did some research online (the quantity over quality approach to researching) and I found many interesting websites on the topic. The good news is that the Mayans believed that the world will end December 21, 2012 at 11:11 pm, so you may have more time than you think. If you don’t want to check out the sites yourself I think I can translate the core themes into a few basic points for you. First, the world is going to end in 2011, and everyone who doesn’t agree is going to be really sorry that they wouldn’t listen, particularly his neighbours who call him “The Crazy Guy With the Pamphlets” and will not be coming up in the Rapture if he has anything to say about it. Secondly, if the Apocalypse doesn’t happen May 21, around noon, then it’s a miscalculation of the math involved and in no way proves the theory was wrong. There are also some Biblical quotes and some bits and pieces about Nostradamus and the Mayans, and then it starts getting a little crazy, but those are the main points. Maybe you think I shouldn’t make fun of other people’s beliefs, but you’re probably one of the same people who think I shouldn’t make fun of people’s grammar either (which is so easy on those websites, it almost takes the fun out of it). The fact is that they’re just a little too happy about the end of the world for my taste. I’m going to have to paraphrase Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman here (as one can’t discuss the end of the world without bringing up their classic novel Good Omens) and point out that being lifted up in the air to sneer down on the dying and suffering may not be exactly my idea of a morally acceptable good time. Thank you, if it happens I’ll stay on the ground and see if I can help, but I’m sure your plan is also fine. I’ve heard that some people are planning on holding off on things like mowing the lawn until the 22nd, just in case, but I have a more proactive plan. I plan to spend my time poking people and running away, something I often long to do but almost always manage to restrain myself from doing. Plus, I’m giving up vegetables for the duration. I said it was a proactive plan, not a good plan; mostly I don’t want to do anything irreparable should this not actually turn out to be the end. I can make up for the vegetables with lots of healthy eating in the future and I’m pretty sure most people will forgive the poking if I apologize very sweetly, and perhaps buy them a nice bottle of wine. In fact, many of my friends wouldn’t mind me poking them, for just that reason. Given that the evidence supporting the May 21 Apocalypse comes down to being slim to none, or even slim to crazy, I don’t think you really have to worry about it, so it’s probably safe to keep collecting your Co-op knife stickers. However, if you are about to throw them in the garbage because you don’t have enough time to save up for the cutting board before the end comes, feel free to email me at HYPERLINK “mailto:jane.wilson@hgqci” jane.wilson@hgqci and I’ll take them off your hands. You can also email me if you have a sneaking suspicion that I don’t understand what being proactive means.

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