Stretching yoga boundaries on Haida Gwaii

As most of my close friends know, I currently hold a 7th-degree black belt in full-contact yoga.

Two guys do the tree pose

Two guys do the tree pose

There are many ways for all of us to enjoy the beautiful islands we call home. In fact, there are exactly 316 ways, and 247 require a certain level of fitness.

Many of us have different ways of getting in shape going for a jog, surfing, hiking, laying on the couch hoping that the vegetable we ate last week will eventually cause all the fat on our bodies to turn into ripped bulging muscles and yoga.

Yoga seems to be a popular sport these days. As most of my close friends know, I currently hold a 7th-degree black belt in full-contact yoga.

But after talking to some local yoga practitioners, I realized that this form of yoga is fairly unknown around here. Which made me wonder, what other types of yoga are still relatively unpracticed on Haida Gwaii? So I did a bit of research (by ‘research’ I mean I looked out the window thinking about things that make me laugh) and found many other rare forms of yoga that might interest a lot of people for whom this ancient Icelandic martial art is still fairly new.

Full-contact yoga

This school of yoga is all about preemptively attacking your opponent with deadly poses and stretching. The main purpose of this yoga is doing as much physical damage to your opponent as possible before they can squeeze into their very revealing yoga pants. It focusses on improving one’s confidence through violence. Works very well against people trained in combat Tai Chi.

Cheese yoga

In this form of yoga, one takes some cheese (usually a nice Camembert or Brie) and puts it on crackers. Then you arrange the cheese-covered crackers to spell the word ‘yoga.’ Then you eat the crackers while watching sports. Very low-impact on the body.

Salmon yoga

Dress up like a salmon, seek out some black bears, do various yoga poses in front of bears, run away, drink beer. A great way to enjoy yoga and nature at the same time!

Canada Post on Haida Gwaii yoga

Order some new yoga pants by mail, wait forever for yoga pants to arrive, forget you ever ordered yoga pants, be confused when you receive yoga pants 14 years after ordering them. Drink beer. Great for developing patience, and alcohol tolerance.

Hippie yoga

Don’t shower for eight months, get dreadlocks, scream about saving the planet and developing more government-funded social programs while driving around in an old blue smoke-billowing van, collecting EI and paying no taxes. Do exactly one minute of yoga per week. Important: be really self-righteous about your yoga.

Tlellian farmer yoga

This type of yoga may be the easiest. It has only one pose. Lean on any fence (preferably a fence in front of someone who is actually working very hard can be difficult to find.) Talk about how busy you are and how much stuff there is to do. Maintain pose for entire day. Repeat every day.

Happy yoga-ing everyone!