As I gaze out of my office window onto the beautiful landscape we call the City Centre parking lot, two things immediately strike me: 1) The eraser my coworker just threw at my head for staring out the window and not getting any work done, and 2) The notion that Hall and Oates may be the quintessential musical duo of an entire generation.
But what does this have to do with Sandspit you may ask? Not much.
This past week I visited Sandspit, our geographically ostracized neighbour to the south. Because I was only planning on being there for the day I packed light: four pairs of pants, nine shirts, 17 pairs of socks, five jackets, boots, crocs, waders, two survival suits, a tent, and my entire life savings. ‘Cuz you never know, right?
I was a bit worried because I couldn’t find my passport, but luckily I was able to get one reissued in time for the trip. I kissed my wife goodbye, aware that I might not ever see her again, and made my way across the inlet to the land of sand and spit. As is usually the case in adventures like these, I learned a few things about Sandspit and, ultimately, myself.
(Warning! The following may contain knowledge!)
Population: At least eight (could be more).
Weather: Whatever it isn’t in Skidegate.
Prevailing religion: Sandspitism? (Involves worshipping an unjust and angry god called Kwunaferry.)
Languages spoken: Although certainly similar to English, peculiarities in the local dialect prevented an accurate linguistic triangulation of ancestral grammatical roots
Main industries: Logging, fishing, Super Valu
Recreational facilities: Golf course, Super Valu
Sandspit is located right next to Super Valu on the northern shore of Moresby Island. It’s a beautiful mix of forest, beach, fields, structures, and roads. There is a local legend that the town once survived a zombie apocalypse using chainsaws and chicken feet, but I was unable to get any verification of this. From above, the town layout resembles an alien language, leading scientists to propose that Sandspit was originally a landing site of an ancient alien spaceship. These aliens could very well have been responsible for building the Super Valu and possibly the government wharf. The community is surrounded on seven sides by beach and on four sides by sky. The airport creates a rhythmic bustle in the community not unlike a tide, dictating the rituals of the many locals directly involved with the aeronautical industry there.
Most people assume the name “Sandspit” comes from the spit of land the town occupies, but as I have learned, this is entirely inaccurate. The real story originates in ancient Mesopotamia and the beginning of a secret society so ancient and so secret that to this day, it only generates 300,000 hits on Google. SANDSPIT actually stands for Standard Action Noodle Dog Seven Pflantzen Inert Tooth. The fact this means nothing at all only points to the incredible secrecy of the society. This society would dominate international politics and finance right through to the present day. In fact, there is a theory that the people of Sandspit could have influenced such events as the fall of the Berlin Wall, the lunar landing, and even the placing of that little boat you always see floating in the pond along the highway just south of Port Clements.
Most people I spoke to either seemed unaware of the society or were confused by my insistence that I ask the question wearing my Sasquatch mask. But one thing was clear — I actually didn’t need my passport after all! I’m certainly looking forward to going back soon, to see all the friends I made, to golf and to get some of those awesome creampuffs from Super Valu.