The Drive Home: How to deal with a wasp nest, Tlell style

If you’re like me, then getting stung by a wasp is the second most terrifying thing that can happen in your life (the first is accidentally drinking milk that has gone bad and lumpy). So this past weekend, when my wife came in from the garden with a fresh wasp sting, the first thing that went through my mind was, “It’s gonna be a real hassle to pack everything up and move to Australia but I guess we have no choice since there’s a wasp nest in our yard.”

But then, after remembering and checking that I am a man and therefore supposedly “manly,” I knew that I must fight the tremendous urge to run away screaming and crying, and to actually physically and emotionally do something about this wasp nest.

The first thing I did was the “Fake Laugh of Courage.” This is the laugh you hear when a man either has no idea what he’s really getting into (e.g. marriage) or when he sees a spider and is trying not to vomit out of fear.

Here’s an example of the “Fake laugh of Courage”:

My wife: Aaaaaah! A spider!

Me: Hahaha. It’s so cute that such a harmless little creature scares you* so much.

(*Secretly pees pants)

Next, I began applying what I like to refer to as Wasp Armour. Wasp Armour is 50 to 60 layers of clothes, tarps, tape, wetsuits, bug netting, steel, fibreglass, goggles, etc. that I adorn in preparation for battle with the wasps. And believe me, wasps have a lot of battle in them. You would think that yelling, “Hey stupid wasps! Get the heck out of my yard! I am really really not down with your squat, yo!” would be enough that they would get the hint and leave of their own accord. But no, apparently wasps are quite deaf.

After about six hours of getting “dressed” and applying eight rolls of duct tape (with lots of help from my wife), I was finally ready to begin the assault. (I have provided a small map to allow you, the reader, to see what the safe distances for working with a wasp squat. You will see quite clearly from this map there are in fact no safe places from wasps). If your wasp problem is in Tlell, then the closest “wasp safety zone” would be Munich, Germany. Even then, it’s not a guarantee.

Another thing to keep in mind when attempting to destroy a wasp nest is that once you begin, you must continue your siege until no wasp is left. The last thing you want is a yard full of angry homeless wasps. They will hunt you down, relentlessly sting you and demand that you provide them with low-income housing without raising their taxes.

In fact, the best way to deal with unwanted tenants on Haida Gwaii like wasps or responsible young working couples, is to do what most landlords on Haida Gwaii do — charge them lots of rent and then fail to provide them with the minimum legally obligated property maintenance. This will cause the unwanted tenants to move away out of frustration to a place where wasps and (more importantly) young responsible working couples are appreciated, like everywhere else in Canada.