The Drive Home: Imaginating the cereal grains out of slowpoke Saskatchewans

Your imagination can be very handy in helping you deal with certain life situations.

Paul Brooker, aka Trojan_Lhama/Flickr                                Sporting KISS make-up and throwing imaginary space pineapples is a surefire way to clear slow-driving Haida Gwaii tourists from your path.

Paul Brooker, aka Trojan_Lhama/Flickr Sporting KISS make-up and throwing imaginary space pineapples is a surefire way to clear slow-driving Haida Gwaii tourists from your path.

By Chris Williams

Hello everyone and happy Moon Day! As you all know, Moon Day celebrates humankind’s first steps on the moon, which were taken way, way back on July 20, 1969. But what you may not know is July 20 is also international Lollipop Day!

NASA chose this date to walk on the moon because as a proud humour columnist from Haida Gwaii once said, “The moon sure looks like a lollipop if you hold a big stick underneath it and use your imagination really, really hard – until it hurts, actually.” Which brings us to what I want talk to you about this week.

Imagination.

So without further ado (seriously, there is not going to be any more ado. If that’s what you want, get over it, cause I don’t have any more ado and I’m not entirely sure where one would purchase more ado anyway):

Cool stuff you can do with your imagination that is so legal you probably won’t go to jail!

Using one’s imagination is super fun and anyone can do it, except for those people employed by the federal government. Those people have no imagination left as their imaginations are used to heat the federal buildings they work in. (Sorry, I don’t make the rules, I just fill out the endless pages of bureaucratic paperwork that stipulate that there are, in fact, rules.)

Your imagination can be very handy in helping you deal with certain life situations.

Take for example Haida Gwaii, where it has been raining now for, let me check my calendar, uhhh…. 109,876 days in a row! Wow, that sounds like a lot.

Anyway, when it rains this much, imagination can help with a person’s mental health.

Instead of waking up and getting out of that warm cozy synthetic womb we call a bed and heading out into the black abyss we call life, pretend you are in a submarine searching for sunken treasure at the bottom of the sea!

Wake your partner up by shouting, “Avast you scurvy skunk! There be gold in your jammies!” And then pour water over their head to give them that “underwater” feeling. Trust me, all partners love this!

Here’s another one. Instead of dealing with the suffocating depression that comes from never seeing the sun, make a sandwich and give it a name, like Pablo or Saltpeter. Make some clothes for it out of salad greens and introduce it to your colleagues at work. They will love this because it will show them that you have friends and they won’t need to talk to human resources about you anymore.

Another great imagination endeavour is pretending to be a famous singer. Walk around whichever town you live in and pretend you are a famous singer like Justin Bieber or KISS. Sing as loud as you possibly can while punching anyone with a camera in the face. Just like real celebrities! Develop an imaginary drug problem and then blame it on your parents. Ha, ha. Hilarious and healthy!

Lastly, use your imagination to make driving to and from work less frustrating. Driving on this island can be tough. Believe me, I’ve been there.

Does this sound familiar? Saskatchewan plates, 40 km/h, looking at a deer like it’s some sort of natural wonder instead of the speed bump we all know it to be.

“It’s a deer! It’s not a penguin on roller skates! Hit the gas Farmer Slowpoke!”

Here is an excellent opportunity to imaginate the cereal grains out of these people. Pretend you are not in a rush. Imagine you are driving a huge intergalactic transport vessel full of space pineapples. Follow Farmer Slowpoke and when he finally runs out of gas and is forced off the road, throw some of your imaginary space pineapples at him. He will think you are the local maniac and will get out of your way the next time he sees you.

Believe me, I’ve tried this and it works. But it works better if you wear your KISS make-up, too.

The Drive Home