Would you believe these two Tawny Frogmouths are actually a pair of Port Clements fashionistas sporting the latest in ‘camo couture’? (Garycycles/Flickr photo)

The Drive Home: Turns on the salmonwalk — a report from Haida Gwaii Fashion Week

If you’ve been living under a gold lamé jacket for the last little while then you may not be aware that last week was fashion week here on Haida Gwaii. And although fashion on Haida Gwaii is hardly synonymous with Milan or Paris, it still has its own je ne sais quoi. One might wonder what a global fashion spectacle might look like on Haida Gwaii. What dressed-up delights we would encounter beneath the bright lights of the salmonwalk.

Well, I suppose it might be kind of like this.

A run-down, rusty old pickup truck rolls up to the curb in front of the Port Multiplex under a flurry of flashing camera lights, awestruck fashion fans, and stray dogs. The door slowly opens and we see an unshaved, rubber-boot clad leg slowly emerge from a squeaking, ill-fitting door.

Fashion Week Host (probably Dale Lore): Welcome everyone! It looks like we have our very first celebrity showing up at the red carpet. Yes… yes its Andrew Merilees dressed in khaki with plaid, and his signature slicked-back ebony locks are barely covering his haunting almond eyes! A word please Mr. Meerilees!

Mr. Merilees, uncomfortable under the spotlight quickly brushes past our host and makes his way straight to the chocolate fountain set up in the multiplex foyer.

Host: Ah well. Maybe we can get a few words from the next celebrity. And here they are now!

Barry Wijdeven roars up in his yellow Porsche and drift-parks professionally between Kim Mushynsky’s green hornet special and Andrew Hudson’s cherry-candy red golf cart. He clambers out with his great big white dogs on diamond-studded leashes.

Host: Berry! Berry! How’s fashion week going for you?

Berry: Well Dale, as a planner (I’m a planner you know), I would say it’s going according to plan. Ha Ha.

Host: Great! Just great stuff Berry! And who’s this pulling up now? Why it’s none other than our own celebrity mid-wife, Celina Laursen!

Ms. Laursen pulls up in a jacked up Humvee on 18” rims. She has a beautiful full-length rhinestone gown and is wearing an umbilical cord for a necklace. She waits patiently as her chauffeur slowly makes his way to her side, gets out a stepladder and opens the door.

Host: Any words for your fans, Ms. Laursen?

Ms. Laursen: I just want to say that I hope everyone is into baby-making tonight! (Ms. Laursen laughs maniacally and her eyes glow a soft red.)

Host: Awesome! Now let’s go down to the wharf where the models are and catch some of the fashion action!

Coming down the salmonwalk now we have a Tow Hill ensemble. This is very nice. Notice the worn gumboots and dirty ponchos full of sand, all framed with dreadlocks. Obviously a statement about sand and hygiene and the interplay between them. Very courageous.

Next is an outfit from Tlell. The cheap, ripped polo shirts mixed with khaki shorts and Crocs elegantly capture the rough and tumble faux-urban look of these island cowboys and cowgirls. Yippee kayay indeed you naughty night-owls!

And now a wonderful piece from Masset. A bright wool sweater mixed with business casual jeans. No umbrellas for these rain warriors! Pour me a coffee ‘cause it’s almost noon and I can’t find a barista anywhere!

Next on the walk is the Sandspit entry. A bold statement here with the unmistakable mackinaw jacket and chainsaw pants – and everything held together with suspenders! Beautiful, traditional and sexy as a limbless spruce!

And now Queen Charlotte’s contribution. Queen Charlotte brings a no-nonsense government uniform outlined in deer blood and sweet-and-sour sauce stains. Nothing says fashion quite like deer blood! Queen Charlotte? How about Queen Harlot?!

And finally, from Port Clements, that bastion of fashion passion, we have a… wait… I don’t see anything. Where’s the entry from Port? Oh wait! I get it! They’re dressed from head to toe in camouflage! Well played Port! Well played! Who says fashion can’t be playful and difficult to see in heavily forested areas. Certainly not Port Clements!

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