A super moon and king tides will send the seas up to 23.7 feet on Sunday. Clearly this is a powerful time of auspicious omens and future-telling. All Tlellians should pay heed. I’ve broken down the astrological/oceanographic messages into three distinct categories. Read on for your personalized projections.
For those born on a month, day, and year (mm/dd/yyyy), the convergence of the large moon and biggest tides hints that you need to stay indoors at almost any cost. The bright moon on the dark nights illuminates corners of our shadow-self better left unknown, and the rising tide leaves no room for escape. Fear is our greatest teacher in these moments.
The best move for those who fall into this category is to hold court at Crow’s Nest for the majority of each day, with the last four or five Observer editions on the table in front of you. Then share with all that enter your opinions on each and every article. Pay special attention to the Tlellagraph, of course, as each article holds infinite wisdom.
For those born on a day, month, and year (dd/mm/yyyy), the full moon on a king tide comes to remind you of your largely insignificant nature. Though it is true that every breath you expel causes a typhoon in Malaysia, the direction and force of that typhoon have very little to do with you. Here the king tide will dissolve your once solid sand dune, grain by grain, and take that sand wherever it pleases, no matter what incantations you utter.
The antidote to such infringement on our fragile sense of control over life is to walk East Beach at the moment of the lowest tide. Sunday’s infringement is followed by Monday’s zero tide. You can then march with confidence out to the farthest reaches of the sand flats, basically walking on the vulnerable underbelly of Poseidon himself. It tickles him, and is said to bring good luck.
For the rare few who are born on a year, month, and day (yyyy/mm/dd), though you never find a fillable PDF form that reflects who you really are, this time of moon and water is a time for that truth to be finally revealed.
As the sun sets, it is (absolutely not) recommended that you embark on a hike around the Anvil Trail, ignoring all helpful maps and trail markers you see along the way. Look only at your feet, and trust that you can negotiate the Vortex of Anvil, which offends all but the truest sense of direction.
When you find yourself hopelessly lost, a truth starkly illuminated by the full moon, fear not. Push past the fear and the bear you encounter, and steal its den for the night. If you are truly a yyyy/mm/dd, the bear won’t mind and will let you stay. As you emerge triumphant the next morning, spruce sap and salal berry juice coating your face, you will know who you truly are. Which may, very likely, actually be a mm/dd/yyyy.
By the time you read this, the turmoil of this celestial ocean event will have passed. I know you are stunned by the accuracy of my predictions. Write me at sewnart@haidagwaii,net for your next reading. A small monthly subscription fee will be charged from then unto perpetuity — and if you cancel, no telling what future might befall you 😉