Tlellagraph: The Tlell workout for 2018

(istorecity/Etsy photo)

(istorecity/Etsy photo)

Congratulations, you’ve made it through the middle of January. Statistically, it is the most depressing time of the year. Days are still short, the rosy glow of the holiday season has faded, and the reality of the credit card bill has set in. Then there are New Year’s resolutions, a yearly reminder that we love self-sabotage. According to a U.K. survey, the top three are to exercise more, lose weight, and eat more healthily.

• Exercise more (38 per cent)

• Lose weight (33 per cent)

• Eat more healthily (32 per cent)

• Take a more active approach to health (15 per cent)

• Learn new skill or hobby (15 per cent)

• Spend more time on personal wellbeing (12 per cent)

• Spend more time with family and friends (12 per cent)

• Drink less alcohol (12 per cent)

• Stop smoking (9 per cent)

• Other (1 per cent)

Haida Gwaii resolutions might include:

• Spend more time outdoors (43 per cent)

• Volunteer more (21 per cent)

• Save a forest or two (68 per cent)

• Have more dry firewood for next winter (110 per cent)

• Run the Totem to Totem Marathon, just to get the medal designed by Robert Davidson (1 per cent — just me — and I’d only do the 10k, possibly walking)

So how are we doing with our fitness goals this year? The ten pounds you swore you’d lose last year transferred to this year, didn’t it? Carried over, like unused vacation time. But know this: when you look at that roll, that pudgy tummy, and groan, remember there is always someone larger who would be so happy to be your size. Always. Unless you are the heaviest person in the world. In which case you are the BEST! The best in your category, the best at what you do! You should be proud.

But if you still want to lose a pound or two in the name of health, it has to be easy. You shouldn’t have to travel too far from your comfort zone to accomplish these goals. Your immediate world is your gym. Take advantage.

If your world is Tlell, I offer you the Tlell 2018 Workout. It’s available on VHS at the firehall.

The Wind Workout: Conventional wisdom dictates that we walk with the wind at our backs. This workout throws that convention on its head.

Nothing is better for burning calories than heading into 100 km/h winds, with gusts to 120 km/h. Try to run, try to walk, and please try to jump. After burning 1,200 calories, you may be a metre and a half down the beach. It’s like a natural treadmill.

If Treadclimber machines are more your thing, try The Dune Scaler. Yup, run up that sandy dune as fast and high as you can. *Please be careful to avoid any ecologically sensitive areas of the dune, which is all the dune. It’s best to use pieces of the dune that ATVs have already desecrated, then it’s not your fault.

The Firewood Snatch. This dovetails nicely with your New Year’s resolution to have more dry firewood. Tlellians are notoriously generous, and generally don’t notice too much. This exercise entails “borrowing” one piece of firewood from everyone in your neighbourhood. On foot. Just one piece per neighbour. Given that a Tlell neighbourhood can span 20 km, this can also be an impressive workout.

Swimming. Sounds simple, but this is Tlell swimming — in the winter, in the ocean. It involves putting on a wetsuit. Yes, nothing sheds the pounds faster than sweating through the one-hour process of putting on a wetsuit in the cold, thinking it will be “fun” to play in the ocean. For an additional challenge, make sure it’s the wetsuit you borrowed from a friend that is just a little bit too small. Just slightly. It fits, really it does. And when that baby is on, the pounds are off! Or at least displaced to other areas of your body.

This is how you lose weight in Tlell in the winter. It’s right on your doorstep. The one thing to avoid is breakfasts at Crow’s Nest every Sunday. Because, if you go there, believe me, you’ll… see me. 😉

The days will only keep getting brighter from here on. Keep the ‘ol chin up, Tlell. Email me your own Tlellian workouts at Or I’ll see you for brunch.